NOTE: The collaborative editing is being done here because it's faster:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QmWKzHUQKd9XkjXUb28we45JCjoHh-509LxtmiA4Wx4/edit#

Because of that, we don't actually know who all wrote things, but it was mostly Leper and Avril, with some contributions from several other people.

Contents 1 Characters 2 Act 1 2.1 Scene 1.1 2.1.1 Song: The House is a Pit 2.2 Scene 1.2 2.2.1 Song: Welcome To TEP 2.3 Scene 1.3 3 Act 2 3.1 Scene 2.1 3.1.1 Song: Wrecking Ball 3.2 Scene 2.2 3.3 Scene 2.3 3.3.1 Song: Our House Is A Reactor 4 Act 3 4.1 Scene 3.1 4.1.1 Song: The Rigour of Rudin 4.2 Scene 3.2 4.2.1 Song: Tepward Bound 4.3 Scene 3.3 4.3.1 Song: Tuition

Characters

• Chance N. Counter, the Chancellor (Avril)
• Spit N. Polish, the House Manager (Alison)
• Antzy Pantzy, Rush Chair (pHulin)
• Brickhead, an Emmitt-ish character from The Lego Movie (mDan)
• Frosh 1 (Ofer Jameson Amelie)
• Frosh 2 (Trang)
• Malloc, an evil overlord (U5)
• Ifsansor Butts Inspector Johnson, Boston HSD Inspector (Sagar)

Act 1

Scene 1.1

Antzy: I can't believe it, the whole summer just rushed by, and I feel like I did nothing but play Pokemon 3D.

Chance: Wasn’t some of that your roommate with the Pokemon costume?

Antzy: Oh god were we too loud?

Chance: Not at all; it was great to be able to get popcorn without missing anything---gotta catch it all!

Antzy: Alright you guys--It's two hours before rush is going to start, and the house still looks like a construction site!

Spit: Don't worry, we'll get it cleaned up. We've finished demolition in all of the bedrooms, and in my experience, demolition is the hardest part.

Song: The House is a Pit

TTTO "Why does the sun shine?" performed by They Might Be Giants (song / lyrics)

ALL:

The house is a pit of unmitigated shit,

A gigantic nuclear waste hole.

Where blue mold stinks in the bathroom sinks,

And the freezer’s filled with Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse.

The piles of dust, the sentient fust,

The trash that runs away.

It’s plain to see there’ll be no frosh,

If it’s not gone today.

ALL:

The house is a pit...

Chance:

(spoken) It is such a pit that it has been declared a Class II Superfund Site by the EPA.

ALL:

The house is gross...

Antzy:

(spoken) So gross, that the last three HazMat disposal teams... were never seen again.

ALL:

The house smells really bad.

Spit:

(spoken) Its smell has been compared to the unique scent of a limburger-squirrel melt sandwich left in an unplugged freezer for more than seven months.

ALL:

It’s plain to see there’ll be no frosh

If it’s not cleaned today.

Chance: Lighten up Antzy, what could go wrong? All we have to do is install a new sprinkler and alarm system, rebuild all of the lofts using reinforced concrete, put up the drywall, and paint! Easy peasy.

Antzy: We can't even agree on paint color.

(Everyone yells, naming different colors, eventually devolving into purple camp vs lavender camp or something like that.) Or “Purple Squid” and “Purple Planaria”

Chance: Enough of that! We just need to finish all the work, get it inspected by the Boston Harassment Services Division, and we're done.

Spit: Just a heads-up, we'll also need to have the oil tanks in the Deep Cave inspected this week.

Chance: Are you talking about our LUST? Our Leaking Underground Storage Tanks?

Spit: They don't leak anymore, ever since Dlaw meticulously covered them in a layer of gaffers tape, after forbidding Krevice from using the oxy-acetylene torch to fuse the metal while there was still oil in the tank. Now they're just...plain old Black Underground Storage Tanks.

Antzy: This oil tank inspection had better not interfere with rush week!!!!

Spit: No worries, I’ll take care of this.

(picks up cell phone)

Spit: Hi, Boston Harassment Services Division? Hi, it's Spit N. Polish from TEP. I want to get my BUST inspected.

Inspector: (inaudible)

Spit: Sure I've got two of them.

Inspector: (inaudible)

Spit: Well, they are pretty big, curvy at the top and bottom. Oh, and I have to warn you---they are covered with oil.

Inspector: (inaudible)

Spit: What are the nipples like? They feel like iron when I touch them...

Inspector: (inaudible)

Spit: You'll be here on Tuesday? You're SURE about that?

Inspector: (inaudible)

Spit: okthxbye (hangs up phone)

Spit: I swear, sometimes we do everything exactly the way the inspectors like it and then they just don't come.

Chance: Sometimes they aren't even breathing hard!

Chance: Hey, what do you get when you mix vodka with Milk of Magnesia?

Everyone: A Phillips Screwdriver!

Chance: What do you get when you mix vodka with Milk of Amnesia?

Everyone: ???

Chance: I forget.

Antzy: You're sitting around making jokes when the freshmen are coming!!!

Chance: No, they're just...

Antzy: SHUT UP!!!!

(Doorbell rings)

Antzy: AAAAHHAHHH

Scene 1.2

(The freshmen enter.)

Song: Welcome To TEP

ALL:
C
Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder
C
Welcome to TEP where it's frosty and wet,
G7                C
and it's caffeine-free.

RC:
F
What's your name?

CH:
C
Where you from?

HM:
C         D7      G7
What'd ya like to be?

ALL:
C
Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept BiMonthly
C                                        XQWdim9??
Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

Antzy: Welcome to our house! Please ignore the mess. I’m Antzy Pantzy, the rush chair here at tEp.

Frosh 2: I’m Emma D Czechsum the Fifth, of the New Hampshire Czechsums.

Frosh 1: I’m Betty Koine Meijner, I inverse-hash all the Blocks!

Antzy: Glad to meetcha!

Chance: Hi there, I’m Chance N. Counter. I’m the chancellor.

Spit: And I’m Spit N. Polish, house mangler. Welcome to our magnificent home.

Brickhead: I’m Brickhead!

Frosh 1: Is that your real name?

Brickhead: It’s what my mom called me after I put the cat in the microwave.

Chance: Emma, what is going on in New Hampshire, anyway? I can’t make any sense out of it even though I read both reddit and 4chan.

Frosh 2: After years of oppression the freedom-loving citizens of New Hampshire—led by my illustrious uncle, Fletcher Czechsum and my 3rd cousin 4th removed M. D. 5. Czechsum—united to throw off the yoke of oppression of our Birkenstock-wearing, tree-hugging neighbors from Vermont.

Life under thumb of the Vermonters was unbearable—government-provided health care, income taxes, building codes, and mandatory organic food: we had virtually nothing to eat beyond granola, spelt, and worst of all—it makes me sick to even talk about it—maple syrup. “Live Free or Die”!

Chance: But don’t you have a new government now?

Frosh 2: Yes, but Vermont-backed insurgents have been opening art studios and coffee cafés all over New Hampshire, and now there’s rumor of an attack by a column of MILK tanks and a division of CURDS.

Brickhead: CURDS! No WHEY!

Chance: You’d BUTTER build up some defenses, or you’ll get CREAMED.

Spit: Surely there could be a compromise: for Vermont HALF, AND HALF for New Hampshire.

Frosh 2: Support has EVAPORATED for compromise. We’re going to PASTEURIZE them.

Spit: This CHEESY pun sequence should have been CONDENSED.

Chance: Well, you’re at M.I.T. now, and you don’t have to worry about about all of the problems back home.

Scene 1.3

(The tEps and the frosh are all cleaning things up for the upcoming inspection, when Brickhead runs in.)

Brickhead: Guys, guys! I think there’s an evil overlord about to take over the world!

Chance: What are you talking about?

Antzy (frenzied whine): We don’t have tiiiime for evil overlords!

Brickhead: No, really! I was at the Harvard Club of Boston because one of our kindhearted neighbors invited me there for tea, and I saw a man with a monocle and handlebar mustache, giving an elaborate speech to nobody.

Spit: That does sound like an evil overlord.

Frosh 2: What was he saying?

Brickhead: I don’t know, I couldn’t hear him. But we need to find out! We can’t let him over the world.

Antzy: We don’t have time for this! It was probably some crazy homeless guy talking to himself.

Chance: In any case, it’s not like we can go look up the conversations of strangers.

Frosh 2: ... or can we?

(The tEps look quizzically at Frosh 2.)

Frosh 2: You know who does record the conversations of strangers? The NSA.

Spit: Brilliant! All we need to do is hack into the NSA, and we can find out the evil overlord’s plan.

(Spit grabs a laptop and starts typing. Brickhead also grabs a laptop, looks at it confusedly, and starts clicking things.)

Antzy (sarcastically): Oh, that’s all?

Chance: Maybe we should get back to preparing for Rush and the inspection.

Spit: Argh ...

Antzy: What, hacking into the NSA isn’t as easy as you thought?

Spit: No, it’s not that -- I’ve gotten in to their servers. There’s just too much stuff to look through! Pictures of celebrities stripping...wallpaper, ebay auctions of toenail clipping collections...and look, the MIT 2014-15 course catalog!

Antzy: I knew that must be on-line somewhere.

Spit: It looks like Professor Hu is teaching 8.01, Professor Wot is teaching 18.02, and Professor Buzzov is teaching 6.000000001.

Frosh 1: Who is teaching 8.01?

Spit: Yes.

Frosh 1: But who is teaching what?

Spit: No. Wot is a math professor.

Frosh 1: What is a math professor? Somebody who teaches math.

Spit: Hu teaches physics.

Frosh 1: What is the name of the guy teaching 8.01?

Split: Not Wot, Hu.

Frosh 1: ARRRRGGG! Just tell me the professor for 6.00000000000001.

Spit: Buzzov!

Frosh 1 (to audience): What a jerk.

Antzy (looking over Brickhead’s shoulder at laptop screen): Gah! What are you doing watching cat videos?

Brickhead: I don’t know! They just appeared there!

Frosh 1 (also looking at Brickhead’s screen): Hey, wait, what’s this in the suggested videos list? (they click on it)

(Malloc enters, with a big piece of cardboard in front of him with a hole cut out of it as if he’s in a YouTube video. The tEps & frosh scooch to the sides so the audience can see, but they’re also watching the “video” from onstage.)

Malloc: I am Malloc, your evil soon-to-be-overlord. You see, I have acquired some valuable information. Hidden in this very city, below the foundation of 253 Comm Ave., is a powerful relic: a superball that doubles in height with each bounce. With this superball, I will have virtually unlimited power, with which I will destroy the galaxy!

Chance: ... or at least make Galaxy smartphones crash.

Malloc: Due to ComicCon, all the local superheroes are out-of-town, leaving the City of Boston completely undefended.

Chance: Undefended, that is, except for the Pretenders of the Galaxy.

Frosh 2 (to the audience): ... Which is rather worse than being undefended.

Malloc: I have learned that this building, 253 Comm Ave, is the home of a group of college students. I have therefore recruited to my services a group of henchmen that even they can’t ignore: inspectors from the Boston Harassment Services Division. The so-called Pretenders of the Galaxy have already made an appointment to invite me into their house, and they don’t even know it! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

(Malloc and the cardboard YouTube screen exit.)

Act 2

Scene 2.1

Chance: We've got to build up the house's defenses. Malloc is going to search the bowels of TEPs...I mean search the bowels of TEP...until he finds the superball.

Spit: What we need here is a really good idea.

Brickhead: I've got an idea! Introducing...the hanging couch! It's a couch, but it hangs from the ceiling!!! So, we can hang out with our buddies when Malloc comes, and he won't even see us.

Spit: I'm not sure the inspectors from the Boston HSD are going to allow a couch that hangs from the ceiling, much less be fooled by it. I mean really, a hanging couch? That is literally the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Chance: Please, Spit, let me handle this. (to Brickhead) That idea just plain sucks.

Antzy: Seriously, let’s think. What can we use to keep them away?

(the tEps pick up relevant props as they say the following lines)

Spit: Soda bottles exploding with dry ice!

Chance: Fire extinguishers full of chocolate pudding!

Frosh 2: Oobleck all over the stairs!

Antzy: Social rejection!

Frosh 1: Dubstep!

Spit: Everything we cleaned out of the grease trap during Work Week!

Brickhead: A giant box of crickets!

(The tEps are encouraged and optimistic about their ideas.)

Chance: Alright. When that inspector comes, we’ll be ready.

(Inspector comes to the door, carrying a clipboard or sheet of paper.)

Antzy: Are you the Boston HSD inspector?

Inspector: Indeed I am. The name’s Johnson, Inspector Johnson.

Brickhead: But I just met her!!!

(The tEps prepare to launch all of their defenses.)

Inspector: Halt! Pretenders of the Galaxy, residing at 253 Comm Ave, you are hereby served with a Stop Work Order. All operations toward improving, maintaining, or protecting this building must stop immediately.

(The tEps look at each other, stunned, and drop all their defense-props.)

Song: Wrecking Ball

TTTO Miley Cyrus's "Wreching Ball" (video / lyrics)

These walls, these chains, we built in vain.

Our props, useless on the ground.

The time we spent on our defense

Is gone. What can we do now?

If you come inside, we won’t run and hide,

We will always fight you.

Don’t think we’ll give in, we won’t let you win,

We will always fight you.

You came in like a wrecking ball

Destroying all our hopes and plans.

In one fell swoop we lost it all,

But we still must save the ga-a-laxy

Yeah the, the ga-a-laxy.

You think you're strong, but you're so wrong,

At TEP, rebels still remain.

You might have clout with words you spout,

But we, we have working brains.

If you come inside, we won’t run and hide,

We will always fight you.

Don’t think we’ll give in, we won’t let you win,

We will always fight you.

You came in like a wrecking ball

Ironic we cleaned up for this

You'll never get the superball

And we still can save the ga-a-laxy

Yeah the, the ga-a-laxy.

Yeah the, the ga-a-laxy.

Scene 2.2

(The inspector immediately starts inspecting all over the house.)

Antzy: What can we do? How can we make him go away?

Brickhead: Oh, I have plenty of ways to make people go away ... just watch.

(The inspector is walking around. Brickhead stands right in front of him, blocking him from wherever he tries to go.)

Inspector: Stop that! You’re violating the Stop Work Order!

(Brickhead stops.)

Inspector: You are required to comply with any request that I make. Respect my authoritah!!!

Brickhead (repeating verbatim everything the inspector says): You are required to comply with any request that I make. Respect my authoritah!!!

Inspector: I may search your house with impunity, and you may not interfere.

Brickhead (still repeating): I may search your house with impunity, and you may not interfere.

Inspector: Stop stop stop! That’s another violation! You must obey the Stop Work Order!

Frosh 1: Wait a minute ... a Stop Work Order should get lifted once we have all the required permits, right?

Spit: I think so.

Chance: Can we get them before the inspector has destroyed the house?

Antzy: What do we need to do to get the permits?

Spit: Well, we need to be in compliance with the building code regulations --

Inspector: You’d need to get rid of all your windows, for one thing. And put lawn sprinklers in the ceiling of every room. And remove all the doorknobs, the doors should always be open, except the ones in the back stairwell, those should always be closed. And --

Chance: But we aren’t even allowed to fix any of those things while the Stop Work Order is in place!

Inspector (gleefully): I know! Isn’t it perfect?

(The tEps make angry-faces but can’t do anything about it.)

Inspector: Now, leave me alone while I look through everything in your house.

(Inspector goes off to inspect stuff.)

Scene 2.3

(The tEps are off to the side, watching the inspector. Brickhead is distracted doing something else.)

Inspector (looking at sheet of paper): (mumbles something inaudible)

Chance: What did he say?

(The other tEps shrug.)

Inspector (to himself): Mirrors, mirrors ... . The path to the superball is behind a mirror. But I’ve searched this house up and down and inspected every mirror, and there are no clues to be found. I must be missing something.

Brickhead (a little too loudly): Ha! I bet he doesn’t know that there used to be a mirror in the dining room.

(The inspector hears this and looks toward the tEps, but Brickhead doesn’t notice.)

Antzy (nervously, trying to distract the inspector): The -- um -- what? There wasn’t any mirror in the dining room.

Brickhead (insistently, still oblivious to the inspector): Of course there was! It was right over --

(Spit claps his hand over Brickhead’s mouth, but Brickhead reaches his arm out and points directly at the spot where the dining room mirror used to be.)

Inspector: Aha! (to Brickhead, with fake politeness) Thank you so much for that helpful information.

Chance (trying to block the inspector’s way): You’ll never get away with this!

Inspector: Ah-ah-ah, Stop Work Order, remember?

(The inspector punches a hole in the wall where the mirror used to be.) DON’T ACTUALLY DO THIS

Spit: Nooo, my sheetrock!

(A bright light shines out of the hole in the wall. The inspector reaches in and pulls out the superball. He holds up the superball triumphantly. Brickhead reaches for it, but Malloc enters and pushes him out of the way.)

Malloc: This superball is MINE now! I am taking it to my evil fortress on the moon, and from there I will use it to destroy the galaxy!

(Malloc exits with maniacal laughter. Comes back on stage, and exits again with Maniacal laughter. Inspector also exits.)

Brickhead: What’s that glowing?

Spit: Oh no, it’s the energy core where the superball has been powering tEp all these years!

Antzy: With the superball gone, the reaction is out of control! The house might explode!

Song: Our House Is A Reactor

TTTO the Addams Family theme

ALL:

Our house is a reactor

Where safety's not a factor

We're all a little cracked here

That's us at T-E-P! 253!

[snap snap]

ALL:

253! [snap snap] 253, 253, 253!

ALL:

The plot is set in motion

We're brimming with emotion

We'll stuff in puns with lotion

That's we at T-E-P! 253!

[snap snap]

ALL:

253! [snap snap] 253, 253, 253!

ALL:

The audience says, "Whoa, now"

The fruit they're gonna throw now

I think we better go now

Think well of T-E-P! 253!

[snap snap]

ALL:

253! [snap snap] 253, 253, 253!

Act 3

Scene 3.1

Antzy: Zomg, we have to do something!!!

Spit: Maybe we should INTEGRATE our POWERS. If we SUM all of us together, the PRODUCT of our GROUP will lead to a SEQUENCE of OPERATIONS that NULLIFIES the SINGULARITY.

Antzy: Yeah!

Everyone: Yeah!

Chance: Okay, so we need to get to the moon.

Brickhead: And also our house is about to explode.

Antzy: Well, not necessarily. It depends on how much energy it’s producing and whether we can control it.

Spit: Hey, maybe that’s the solution! What if we harness the power of the dying reactor to send us to the moon? Will that work?

Chance: For that to work we would have to redirect the binding energy of the atomic nuclei into tightly focused gravity waves, and obviously that won’t work if there exists some integer n > 2 such that aⁿ + bⁿ = cⁿ. While we don’t know whether Serre’s general conjecture on modular Galois representations is true, we do know that if an elliptic curve exists, it is always non-modular. But since all semistable elliptic curves must be modular, we have a contradiction. Thus we’ve proven we can’t not get to the moon, and therefore we can! Q.E.D.

Antzy: Wow, I didn’t know you guys could do math.

Spit: To paraphrase Russell, he is the best mathematician in the set that includes only himself.

Song: The Rigour of Rudin

TTTO "Colo[u]rs of the Wind" from Pocahontas (video / lyrics)

You think I'm an ignorant coder,

and you've earned so many units

I guess it must be so ...

but please explain to me,

if the n00bish one I be,

how can there be so much that you don't know?

(you don't know)

You mix up your conjectures and your theorems.

A lemma's just a dumb thing you can claim.

But I know every good convergent sequence

has an n, has a delta, has a range.

You think the only functions which are functions

are everywhere all differentiable,

but Weierstrass will carve you such a fractal

you will dream that your brain has turned to fust.

Have you ever found the measure of the Cantor dust

or made a cutting as per Dedekind?

Can you TeX like all the masters of your major

or derive with all the rigor of Rudin?

or derive with all the rigor of Rudin?

Come spread your metric structure on my point set.

Come fill my gaps and make my dreams turn real.

Complete me with your countless radicals and

we will roll through the closure of my field.

The footsteps both of Russell and of Whitehead

make a path of logic which both winds and wends,

while Turing and Kurt Goedel fuck with my head

in an Escher-like strange loop that never ends.

How big will the sum of terms grow?

If you cut them off, then you'll never know.

And you'll never find the measure of the Cantor dust,

for whether we're Course 8 or true 18,

we need to TeX like all the masters of our major;

we must derive with all the rigor of Rudin.

You can write a proof and still

you will be a doofus till

you derive with all the rigor of Rudin.

(They write a bunch of ridiculous equations and diagrams on the whiteboard.)

Frosh 1: I’m not sure this part of the derivation makes any sense.

Antzy: That’s where we multiplied both sides by zero to show they are equal.

Frosh 2: And here you’ve assumed that 2 + 2i = 4.

Brickhead: Imaginary numbers are real, to those who TRULY BELIEVE!!!

Frosh 1: Maybe it’s not too late to be an English major...

Spit: Ta-da! Our neutrino-gravity wave converter is complete! And now, the moment of truth:

Frosh 2: ... or death.

(They connect a tube to the reactor and connect the other end to the BUST. There is a loud bang and they all duck and cover their heads. They pause for a moment, realize they’re still alive and unhurt, and stand back up.)

Antzy: We did it!

Chance: We’re on our way to the moon!

Brickhead: Oh darn, I forgot to bring crackers.

Scene 3.2

Spit (looking out the window): Wow, we’re in outer space!

Frosh 1: Hey look, a teapot.

Frosh 2: I think I just saw all my missing socks float by.

Chance: We’re getting closer ... get ready for a crash-landing on the moon.

Brickhead (in flight-attendant voice): *ding* The captain has turned on the fasten-furniture sign. Please secure all heavy objects to the house.

(They crash into the moon, indicated by them all shaking turbulently and then falling out of their seats, possibly with a loud boom if we have some way of doing sound.)

Brickhead (in flight-attendant voice): *ding* On behalf of the entire crew, I’d like to welcome you to the moon. Please be careful when using your brain, as the contents may have shifted during flight. Local time on the moon is ... (looks at wrist, then at sky) ... nighttime.

Antzy: Okay, we have to get the superball back. How will we find Malloc’s fortress?

Frosh 2: Maybe it’s that building over there with the giant glowing sign that says “Fortress of the evil overlord of the galaxy”?

Antzy: Oh. Maybe so.

(They walk over to the fortress and burst open the doors. Malloc is waiting for them.)

Chance: You think you’re going to destroy the world? Well you’re no match for the Pretenders of the Galaxy!

Malloc: That’s what YOU think.

Malloc: “hash include unholy slash cthulhu dot h int main open paren close paren open brace elder underscore god star cthulhu semicolon close brace”.

VOICE: “Error: unable to find cthulhu dot h”

Malloc: “[exasperated noise] hash include unholy slash cthulhu int main open paren close paren open brace elder underscore god star cthulhu semicolon close brace”!!!

Antzy: Malloc has summoned Cthulhu using C++!

Chance: Of course he’s using C++! It was designed to create nightmares!!!

(Malloc makes an evil face and holds up a picture of Cthulhu.)

Spit: It's actually only a pointer to Cthulhu.

Frosh 1: He made a syntactically incorrect Call of Cthulhu?!

(Malloc replaces his picture of Cthulhu with a sign saying “c_138xe80_Cthulhu: this way” (with a picture of a hand pointing), and looks at the sign with a sad/concerned face.)

Frosh 2: He definitely mangled it.

Antzy: He should have used valgrind.

Brickhead: I have a pointer about Cthulhu.

Spit: Yes?

Brickhead: Watch out for the tentacles.

Chance: Shut up, Brickhead.

Frosh 1: How do we we get rid of a pointer to Cthulhu, anyway???

Frosh 2: We just call free(cthulhu), right?

All: NO!!!!

Brickhead: How about we counter-summon NyarlathoTEP?

Spit: The Crawling Chaos?!? As if the Joff Room wasn’t bad enough already?

All: NO!!!!

Brickhead: Wait, I’m confused. Where IS Cthulhu?

Spit: In memory, and probably in cache.

Brickhead: [takes out wallet, inspects dollar] The cash is clean.

Spit: Not that kind of...(sigh) never mind. Let’s just delete all references to this pointer and forget about it.

(Spit grabs the pointer from Malloc and tosses it away. Malloc has no defense and is scared.)

Antzy: Do you realize you’ve created a memory leak?!? There is no garbage collection at TEP!

Spit: And where was the memory of Cthulhu found? Inside HIS head. (points at Malloc.) In dropping the reference I used our standard coding conventions—obscure syntax, counterintuitive operator precedence, heavy reliance on side-effects, 22 levels of indirection and, of course, no comments. When it comes to writing bugs, I’m the best.

Chance: Malloc is no match for the l33t coding skilz of the Pretenders of the Galaxy!

Malloc: But --

Chance (grabbing superball from Malloc): Oh, and we’ll be taking this back now.

(Malloc walks away defeatedly.)

Antzy: Now the pointer has been CAST into the VOID of outer space, and there’s A(R)RAY of sunlight coming INTo view.

Spit: Malloc has sLINKed away and reSIGNED from his FUNCTION as overlord,

Frosh 2: leaving this EXCEPTIONally gaudy HEAP of a fortress.

Frosh 1: I’m ecSTATIC that we’re FREE from deSTRUCTion.

Chance: I knew thiS TAC(K)tic would work.

Brickhead: I don’t get the REFERENCE.

Malloc (shouting from offstage): Aaaaaaa! Cthulhu’s tentacles are overflowing my buffers!!!

Antzy: Gah! Where?

Spit: It’s only in his memory, remember?

Brickhead: lolz!

Malloc (shouting from offstage): MY HEART BLEEDS LIKE OPENSSL!!!

Brickhead: Not that he didn’t deserve that, but I just wanna go home.

Song: Tepward Bound

TTTO Simon and Garfunkel's "Homeward Bound" (song / lyrics)

HC:

I'm sitting in the 'thena Station,

Got a ticket for authentication, ooooooo

Looking over all night plans

To study and shoot rubberbands,

Taking stock of red bull cans,

but I'm longing for that purple land!

CHORUS:

TEEEP-ward bound,

I wish I were,

TEEEEP-ward bound.

TEP, where the lightshow's playing

TEP where the net is swaying

TEP where my laptop's waiting

silently foooor me

HC:

Every night's an I/O stream

Of YouTube flicks and LOLCAT memes, mmm

I should be tool-ing for tests, or working on my problem sets,

But the cluster lights my mind besets with images of--FUCK--Tourettes

CHORUS:

TEEEP-ward bound,

I wish I were,

TEEEEP-ward bound.

TEP, where my music's playing

BURO:

TEP where the cats are spraying

CHORUS:

TEP the kiddy pool's waiting

tepidly foooor you

HC:

Ubuntu Linux is quite a deal, but Steve Jobs tells me how to feel, mmmmm

And blanketed in wireless, the campus intranet is bliss

But damn the thing I really miss, is checking my email with Lisp

CHORUS:

TEEEP-ward bound,

I wish I were,

TEEEEP-ward bound.

TEP, where the lightshow's playing

TEP where the net is swaying

TEP where my laptop's sleeping

silently for meeee

HC:

8.02, 18.03 are giving my brain sodomy, mmmmm

Stay up all night, turn in this sheet, to stave off cognitive defeat

And shuffle barely on my feet, back home where I can finally sleep.

CHORUS:

TEEEP-ward bound,

I wish I were,

TEEEEP-ward bound.

TEP, where the lightshow's playing

TEP where the net is swaying

TEP where my laptop's sleeping

silently for meeee

silently foooor me.

'(All exit.)

Scene 3.3

Antzy: Hooray! The galaxy is saved and nobody has to deal with Malloc.

Chance: And we have THIS (holding up superball).

Brickhead: Ooooh, is that some kind of snack?

Spit: (sarcastically) Yeah Brickhead, it’s a raisin.

Brickhead: EIT! (eits it)

All (watch with hands shielding eyes from sun as it bounces higher and higher into the distance).

Chance: That wasn’t a raisin, Brickhead.

(long pause)

Brickhead: Oh.

(long pause)

Brickhead: Are you sure?

Antzy: That was not a raisin, by any conceivable DEFINITION.

Spit: Isn’t there a song about that?

Frosh 1: What?

Brickhead: Well whatever it was, now it’s out of COMMISSION.

Chance: I should have known better than to hold it in that POSITION.

Brickhead (to the frosh): Wait, isn’t there a song about that?

Frosh 2: How should we know?

Antzy: And thus we have saved the world and returned to the status quo, as seems to be our TRADITION.

(Audience: Did somebody say tuition???)

Spit: I’m pretty sure there’s a song about that.

Song: Tuition

TTTO "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof (video / lyrics)

TEP:

When I was young I peddled for a UROP

Tried to get work study, whored upon the Fenway

Try as I might I can't earn quite enough

To satisfy the Institvte

ALL:

The students, the students. . . Tuition!

The students, the students. . . Tuition!

BURSAR:

You must learn to live on less and pay your bill

And steel your will to eat roadkill

Otherwise your credit we will surely kill

With penalties and threats of broken bones

ALL:

The bursar, the bursar. . . Tuition!

The bursar, the bursar. . . Tuition!

PARENTS:

Dear son we got your bill today

But we're a little short

We'd have to sell the summer home

And you're [pause pause] not worth it

ALL:

The parents, the parents. . . Tuition!

The parents, the parents. . . Tuition!

ALL:

So now I'm on the street

Without my damn degree

And all I have to show is

This bill from M-I-T!

ALL:

Tuition, tuition. . . Tuition!

Tuition, tuition. . . Tuition!

THE END